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I'm on my third cup of wine... and I say 'cup' instead of glass because I am indeed drinking from a styrofoam cup I got from the coffee machine in the lobby as I don't own any wineglasses (yet). Anyway, the point of this entry... Let's get to that.
Last December, I made a promise to myself that I kept throughout most of 2009 (these last few days, like the first few days of January, don't count) and that was to cut the black holes out of my life. Regardless of what they've done or who they were, I did just that but I also managed to forgive people who hurt me, who didn't realize how they'd hurt me and have regained my trust. One such person is my Shiqui and while I may never be very close to her, I do care for her and she will always be in my heart. As I once stated, my love, once given, no matter how our decisions in life separate us, a piece of my heart will always belong to the person it has been given to. Several people still remain with me every day although I never talk to them... Goehleraid, April, Danielle, Claffy, Kasey, and Jodlowski from the NWP B. Co. Lounge. I think that when I feel a connection to someone, I feel that connection very deeply because I didn't have many people who I felt connected to when I was younger but when I did... I felt it profoundly. My dearest friends... Meredith, Kirsten, and Morgan. I honestly have no idea who I would be without them. I am so grateful to them and I hope that they know and feel that.
For 2010 I want to forgive one person and give them a chance. He knows who he is and if he reads this, if he reads my Twitter, then he knows who I am writing about. I'm not writing this only because I've been drinking (it helped me realize this and I mean it wholeheartedly) but because it's time. I think the idea began to form in my mind (and I won't be offended if you laugh a lot at this) whilst I was watching the Sex and the City movie. *pauses to let your laughter subside* There's a scene in the movie where Miranda is talking to Carrie after Steve has confessed to her that he betrayed her trust and slept with another woman. She can choose to forgive him and meet him on the Brooklyn bridge and forget the past or she can choose to not. She chose to forgive him. I honestly couldn't care less what anyone says about that show or that movie but there is so much honesty in those characters and their stories. I find beauty in what many consider superficial. I also find beauty in the forgotten and mistreated.
What I'm trying to say is I forgive you. It took me 25 days to read those words and write these because distance was indeed necessary, especially after everything he put me through and everything I've endured from the black holes I will never forgive. I don't take anything back that I've written in the past and I never will. The truth is this... When I love someone, I love them with everything I have. I will do absolutely anything for them because it makes me happiest to make that person happy. That is simply who I am and who I hope to always be. I loved this man more than anything and he did do so much for me but he hurt me so deeply it has impacted me forever. I have hundreds of scars on my body and if I had scars from the emotional wounds he gave me... I doubt anyone could ever look at me without cringing.
About this man, I can go either way. The forgiveness is given and if nothing comes after that... *shrugs* Oh well. I did what I needed to for me. If this whole experience has taught me anything, it's been to be selfish. I used to be so selfless but that mess taught me that I have to think of myself first because no one else ever will. Humans are selfish creatures. Let's just embrace that so long as we stay self-aware enough to realize when we need to step back and look out for others. Empathy is a beautiful thing and I strongly believe in going out of your way to protect and care for others... This may seem a bit confusing. My apologies.
Moving on... The ball is out of my court and it can be returned or not. I suppose we'll see what happens. The only rule is... no more games. I refuse to base my friendships on games anymore. I do not have any tolerance for it. Rules and bullshit are out. If either are necessary, I'm not interested in further communication in any form. That sounds so harsh so... rainbows dolphins Lisa Frank glitter dinosaur hair clips pink argyle socks sunset. Phew! That's better. I just feel better about writing this as a journal entry than anything else. I'm not fucking around. I'm just doing what feels right. I'm happy with my life and I embrace my darkness the way I embrace my light and I really don't want for anything (except maybe a boyfriend but that will come, hopefully, someday... *taps foot impatiently* Y'know... when Spencer Reid becomes a real person or I'm transported into the Criminal Minds `verse) so... I can't be disappointed by anything regarding this.
NOW BACK TO THE WINE AND BRIDGET JONES! AND DRUNK SINGING AND DANCING IN JINGLY ANTLERS!!! W00T!
( Click me or die trying (What?!...) )
Last December, I made a promise to myself that I kept throughout most of 2009 (these last few days, like the first few days of January, don't count) and that was to cut the black holes out of my life. Regardless of what they've done or who they were, I did just that but I also managed to forgive people who hurt me, who didn't realize how they'd hurt me and have regained my trust. One such person is my Shiqui and while I may never be very close to her, I do care for her and she will always be in my heart. As I once stated, my love, once given, no matter how our decisions in life separate us, a piece of my heart will always belong to the person it has been given to. Several people still remain with me every day although I never talk to them... Goehleraid, April, Danielle, Claffy, Kasey, and Jodlowski from the NWP B. Co. Lounge. I think that when I feel a connection to someone, I feel that connection very deeply because I didn't have many people who I felt connected to when I was younger but when I did... I felt it profoundly. My dearest friends... Meredith, Kirsten, and Morgan. I honestly have no idea who I would be without them. I am so grateful to them and I hope that they know and feel that.
For 2010 I want to forgive one person and give them a chance. He knows who he is and if he reads this, if he reads my Twitter, then he knows who I am writing about. I'm not writing this only because I've been drinking (it helped me realize this and I mean it wholeheartedly) but because it's time. I think the idea began to form in my mind (and I won't be offended if you laugh a lot at this) whilst I was watching the Sex and the City movie. *pauses to let your laughter subside* There's a scene in the movie where Miranda is talking to Carrie after Steve has confessed to her that he betrayed her trust and slept with another woman. She can choose to forgive him and meet him on the Brooklyn bridge and forget the past or she can choose to not. She chose to forgive him. I honestly couldn't care less what anyone says about that show or that movie but there is so much honesty in those characters and their stories. I find beauty in what many consider superficial. I also find beauty in the forgotten and mistreated.
What I'm trying to say is I forgive you. It took me 25 days to read those words and write these because distance was indeed necessary, especially after everything he put me through and everything I've endured from the black holes I will never forgive. I don't take anything back that I've written in the past and I never will. The truth is this... When I love someone, I love them with everything I have. I will do absolutely anything for them because it makes me happiest to make that person happy. That is simply who I am and who I hope to always be. I loved this man more than anything and he did do so much for me but he hurt me so deeply it has impacted me forever. I have hundreds of scars on my body and if I had scars from the emotional wounds he gave me... I doubt anyone could ever look at me without cringing.
About this man, I can go either way. The forgiveness is given and if nothing comes after that... *shrugs* Oh well. I did what I needed to for me. If this whole experience has taught me anything, it's been to be selfish. I used to be so selfless but that mess taught me that I have to think of myself first because no one else ever will. Humans are selfish creatures. Let's just embrace that so long as we stay self-aware enough to realize when we need to step back and look out for others. Empathy is a beautiful thing and I strongly believe in going out of your way to protect and care for others... This may seem a bit confusing. My apologies.
Moving on... The ball is out of my court and it can be returned or not. I suppose we'll see what happens. The only rule is... no more games. I refuse to base my friendships on games anymore. I do not have any tolerance for it. Rules and bullshit are out. If either are necessary, I'm not interested in further communication in any form. That sounds so harsh so... rainbows dolphins Lisa Frank glitter dinosaur hair clips pink argyle socks sunset. Phew! That's better. I just feel better about writing this as a journal entry than anything else. I'm not fucking around. I'm just doing what feels right. I'm happy with my life and I embrace my darkness the way I embrace my light and I really don't want for anything (except maybe a boyfriend but that will come, hopefully, someday... *taps foot impatiently* Y'know... when Spencer Reid becomes a real person or I'm transported into the Criminal Minds `verse) so... I can't be disappointed by anything regarding this.
NOW BACK TO THE WINE AND BRIDGET JONES! AND DRUNK SINGING AND DANCING IN JINGLY ANTLERS!!! W00T!
Happy Xmas, you GQMFs!
( Click me or die trying (What?!...) )
Current Location: Emerson
Current Mood: 
soooooo drunk!
soooooo drunk!1 comment | Leave a comment
excited
rejuvenated
awake
hungry
relaxed
moody
thankful for acetaminophen
lonely
